Nothing Sharpens Sight Like Envy

One of the seven deadly sins.

The green eyed monster.

Pure, intense jealousy.

“Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time.”

Jealousy is not a quality that would logically appear in a woman of confidence. As humans, however, it is a common vice that so many of us share. It is created from desire and insecurity and fear. Why are we constantly wanting what we do not have? Because we may never have it? Because someone else already does? Men and women are individuals without ownership, not pieces of property. Yet, how is it that the pure evil feeling of intense jealousy may arise at the mere idea of losing a lover or crush to another? Is jealousy nothing more than the fear of abandonment? The fear of loss?

"Jealousy is all the fun you think they had."

Envy is running through my veins. I could be a crayon, I'm so green with it. Jealousy is more than a small want or insecurity - jealousy is rage. It is hatred. It is fury. It's so green that it's black with disgust. I could vomit.

And how is it that this feeling can even come about from mere desire? I rarely "put my eggs in one basket" - but I suppose it's the savage beast in me that must fight for survival. I've become a wild animal fighting for my prey. Is he even worth the fight? Is the juice worth the squeeze? A loss here would be a small one - nobody is that special. He's certainly not. Still, it's the envy in me that fumes with rage and anger and confusion. I deserve the best. I know what is best, right?

Here and now, will I become the wild animal fighting for prey or will I remember that I must leave the fighting to my suitors? Jealousy can't be all the fun I think they had, because they would have had even more fun with me. I'm the most fun. Be jealous.

6 Month Blog Vaycay

Six long months since I've written anything... Guess I fail at the blog thing... But, hey, it's not like I haven't been writing. I've written a ton. Mostly monologues and short plays and the beginnings of long plays that I don't finish. I'll finish something someday.

One of my monologues was selected for LMU's New Works Festival in the spring. I'm pretty excited, even though they chose a really weird one that I submitted. If you check it out, you'll see what it's about.

Getting Carried Away

After much anticipation, Sex & The City 2 finally came out on the big screen. The iconic HBO television show is a personal favorite, and I must admit that I recently re-watched all six seasons. The first film was magnificent. I saw it three times in theaters and cried about eight

times during the first viewing and still cry from all sorts of overwhelming emotions that only my favorite New Yorkers can deliver. To this day, I can hardly bear to watch Mr. Big stand Carrie up on her wedding day, but in the end it all works out in a very fantastic, yet realistic, finish. I cannot say this about the film’s recent sequel.

Yes, SATC2 had all of the glitz and glamour and glitter that I could have hoped for... and that’s about it. The writing made the television show witty and unforgettable, but it was the writing that completely destroyed my high hopes for this film. All it took was the first line of the movie to sink my heart – beads? Really, Carrie? You’re opening your sequel by talking about beads? I’m sorry… but no. WTF!? Yes, the movie had some of my favorite female characters of all time and yes, there were select hilarious moments, but the movie bared little resemblance to the beloved television show we all fell in love with. Absolutely everything in the plot was extraordinarily over-the-top. Too much over-the-top. Like Disneyland for adults on ecstasy over-the-top. I could handle the extravagant (but hilarious) Liza Minnelli wedding performance, I could deal with the really hot lesbian nanny that doesn’t wear a bra, and the black diamond that Big gives Carrie at the end because she’s “unlike any other woman.” I could maybe even support the complimentary trip to Abu-Dhabi, because, let’s face it, if Samantha Jones can’t do it then who can? I put up with those glittery fantasies, because they were lively, comical and didn’t totally push my buttons. I could not, however, comfortably sit through the horrible and completely uncreative karaoke song choice or the Muslim women wearing crazy high fashion outfits underneath their burkas in 100+ degree weather. I get that the sequel was trying to emphasize women empowerment, which I'm all for, but it was cheesy and way too cliche. The karaoke scene actually almost ruined it for me. The only thing that made me ever want to see this movie again was the hotter than hot, sex on a stick, hunky men – deliciously dapper Nicky (Noah Mills) and the unforgettably orgasmic Rikard Spirit (Max Ryan)... Um, like, I don’t even know what else to say because just the mere thought of Mr. Max Ryan has me biting my bottom lip in sexual frustration. Hot damn.

All in all, the sequel got a little too “Carried away.”

I give it a generous C

... And A Happy New Year

Oh hey sup!? Gosh I'm so on top of this blog thing right? Haha NOT.

I suppose I haven't been all that inspired like my last posts. It's kind of hard to write about something better than a life revelation. I received quite a bit of positive feedback on that last post - made me feel special. I mean, it's awesome to make something meaningful for someone, but I'm pretty stoked if people actually read my words. Makes me feel somewhat relevant, I guess.

It's surprising to me how much life can change in a matter of months. I love LA, it's treating me well. I'm still back in the bay for winter break with one more week left. I'm ready to go back. My real friends here are actually pretty cool, I love them, but people change. We grow up. We mature. We discover who we really are and what we want in our lives. It's intriguing to me that even though I've barely been home a month, I'm dying to get back to Los Angeles. Back to my friends that I've become so attached to. They're my family. A new family. I've never experienced friendships that have come so naturally.

“There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future”

And the thing is - I don't care about the majority of the people here anymore. DGAF. That quote up there has never made more sense. The only real explanation for that, I guess, is that most of them don't matter. Why should they? I'm sure they matter to other people, or at least on a smaller scale, but they certainly don't matter to me like they did in high school or even a year ago. It's sad how small the list is of people I actually wanted to see this break. I almost feel guilty, even though I have no reason to maintain fake friendships. I'm not going to ask to hang out with someone unless I genuinely want to right? It would be a waste of time.

2010. A new year - a new decade. Resolutions? Maybe. I mean, we've all got the "lose 20 lbs, get in shape, be a better person" bullshit right? Right. It's true though, I do want to get in shape. Need to. And I'm trying to be a better person even though I'm not really sure what that means. Staying positive is important. Staying true to self. It's tricky because I tried doing the whole "be a better person" thing a while ago and I was too damn nice. People took advantage. People that I have cut out of my life - another resolution? Oh oh oh and exciting news - I'm going to dye my hair a dark brown this year. Drastic change. I wore a dark brown wig on Halloween and the positive responses were phenomenal. I was going to do it this week, but I'm not sure when I'll get the guts to do it. It will happen at some point in 2010. If not this month, I will wait until some time after my April birthday. I think I want to be blonde for my birthday.

God I miss LA.

Don't get me wrong, I love San Francisco - it has this romantic quality that Los Angeles lacks. My heart will always be in San Francisco. There's just something about LA. Maybe it's because I've lived places that I couldn't wait to get out of so I just appreciate being somewhere I want to be. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the palm trees. Maybe it's being 5 minutes from the beach or always having something to do. LA isn't perfect and neither are the people - there's just something about it.

My apologies for this post, I didn't exactly have much direction - just felt like I had to update on life and living. Hope anyone reading this has a happy and healthy new year.

Carpe Diem.

Hakuna Matata.

Vivre Sa Vie.